If I owned a newspaper. . .

 

After reading a “legitimate” newspaper this morning I began to wonder; “What kind of articles would I publish if I owned a newspaper?” I think the answer lies below. . .

 

The Bottom of the Birdcage Times 

 

Poindexter Buys Great New Toy

Story broken by Theodore Ediculous

Melvin was in Subway on Thursday afternoon.  While he was waiting to order his daily footlong meatball sub with double meat and ranch dressing, something caught his attention from the corner of his eye. It was magnificent. A little green dragon that fits in the palm of his hand, and it was a squirt gun! All of Melvin’s prayers had been answered. He had finally found a way to amuse himself, wash dishes, have a safe target practice and annoy his house-mates; all in one! While he has already received numerous death threats due to the moistness he enjoys spreading, Melvin sees no end to his squirting amusement in the near future.

 

 Stickers In The “Frosted Flakes” Box? Outstanding!

This weeks editorial comes from Sir Edmund Snooty Pants IV

Providing such encouraging advice as; “You Are Awesome!”, “You Are A Winner’, and, my favorite, “Achieve Your Goals”; Kellogg’s Frosted Flakes has won me over.  As if the delicious flavor of the cereal was not already enough to have me coming back for more, Kellogg’s is now doling out eight separate stickers in each box of cereal! 

The best part of these stickers is; they’re all true.  I am awesome!  I just cannot believe it took Tony the Tiger to show me the truth about how awesome I am, my abilities to achieve my goals, and that fact that I am a winner.  Thank you Tony! 

A piece of advise to my beloved readers; next time you are in the dumps, just pick up a box of Kellogg’s Frosted Flakes.  Tony the Tiger will be waiting in each and every box with a smile as grand as the Queen and words as deep as The Thames.  Allow Tony to lift your spirits and energy level with the excessive amounts of sugar.

Household Appliance of the Week

The toaster oven.

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