Clingers

Ah yes, the dreaded clinger. They come in many shapes and forms. The most common is the boyfriend/ girlfriend clinger. Then there is the random hook-up clinger, the friend clinger, the friend of a friend clinger, the co-worker clinger and the always awkward random person clinger.

Allow me to break these categories down for you:

The boyfriend girlfriend clinger is some  one with whom you are romantically involved that considers your relationship to be much more serious than you do. This brand of clinger has been known to stick around for a very long time. Breaking up does not always mean that the relationship is over and you need to be very clear, sometimes multiple times, that the relationship is OVER.

The random hook-up clinger is a guy or a girl that you met once and had a good time with. It was meant to be one good time but the other party is unable to read your subtleties and a dangerous situation ensues.This is a situation that needs to be handled very delicately.

                                                                    or else. . .

The friend clinger is usually someone who you have known for at least a few months. You have had this person over for dinner and drinks. You have told this person stories about your friends and your family. This person has even met some of your friends and family. And then things get weird. The clinger starts doing the no-call pop-ins for no apparent reason other than just to “hang”. The clinger starts expecting things from you that you never agreed upon.

The friend of a friend clinger is someone who you have met once or twice at a party or at a dinner with some friends. For whatever reason, this person becomes convinced that the two of you are meant to be soul mates and every time said clinger comes anywhere near you, you can kiss the next two hours of your life goodbye. In my experience, the friend of a friend clinger is the most awkward of clinging situations. Once you have recognized the clinger and the urgency to get of the clinger, you cannot simply burn the bridge. Your mutual friends are still involved. You still have to maintain a good relationship with your friend while making the clinger realise that they are smothering more than George Lucas gets smothered at a Star Wars convention.

                                                        like I said, awkward.

The co-worker clinger can be a very painful situation. You are working with someone who has an unhealthy obsession with you. You try to get away, but since you are at work you cannot go far and you actually have a job to do. A job which, of course, becomes impaired by the presence of your adherent co-worker. This is a situation you need to take care of immediately. When it comes to work, take no risks and make it very clear to your co-worker, and maybe even to your boss, that this person needs to leave you alone.

The random person clinger is a strange situation indeed. Someone that you don’t even know has latched on to you. It could be your pleasant aroma, the lovely shape of your head, the way you snore a little when you space out. The point is you don’t know why but this person has taken a liking to you. My advise, contact the authorities.

                                                                     or else. . .

Many movies have tackled the touchy subject of clingers. But in my opinion the only one actually worth talking about in this post is Wedding Crashers. I think Wedding Crashers is a hilarious movie, but it fails on an epic scale in one very important way. The failure is this; Vince Vaughn’s character (spoiler alert) MARRIES THE CLINGER! Holy crap! That is the single worst thing you can do with a clinger! That only reinforces the clinger’s belief that smothering someone until they have nothing left is a succesful way of dealing with people. Readers, we need to unite and stand in arms agains clingers and promise to each other that we will never marry a clinger. We must break up with them, burn the bridges with them and even send them to prison if necessary. We must do this until they heal from their clinger ways. Until then, the world is not a safe place.

The most important thing to remember when dealing with a clinger is that you need to take action immediately.

                                                                      or else. . .

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-cPrQ-GqpjU

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